Relay for Life

In 2006 I was diagnosed with Embryonal Rhabdomyosarcoma. As a 19 year old girl, after her first year in college, it seemed impossible. I never thought in a million years I could have  gotten cancer, but I did. And it changed my forever, for good.

It was an intense tough and trying time. I went through many downs and managed some ups as well. Many midnight trips to the hospital with fevers, a pulmonary embolism, and countless other health woes, including loosing my hair, and the ability to walk without being super klutzy. But, 5 years later, I am a better person for my experience. Maybe one day, I’ll go into detail and hash out all of my memories of the experience.

But this post is to bring an awareness to a fundraiser I am participating in. The American Cancer Societies “Relay for Life” at my local High School, Plainedge. I have never done a fundraiser before, but now that my eyes are open to the cause and I am well enough to participate, I am going for it. I am almost at my goal, but I still need donations from kind people, and I am using this blog to ask my readers for a moment more of their time to possibly donate on my behalf. It would mean so much to me, and any amount you can afford would mean the world to the cause.

Here is the link

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/LindaLuckmann 

 

I thank you in advance for your time and donation, like I said ANY little bit will help.

 

Day Twenty-One: How I Hope My Future Will Be

I Hope A Great Many Things For My Future:

I hope that I get my shit together and figure out a job that will challenge me, make me happy, feel fulfilled, and pay me enough so that I can have a comfortable living, which somehow includes some type of health benefits.

I hope to very soon move out of my parents house into a place of my own, or possible get a place with a special someone.

I hope that I get my pain and health under control so I can live in the manner that I want to.

In my farrrrr off future, I hope to be married, settled down at a great job, happy, maybe a few children. Many trips to see the world and experience new things.

Mostly I hope for happiness. I have struggled enough in life, I just want to be proud of myself, and my accomplishments, comfortable, loved and taken care of.

Day Twenty: My Fears

Another Loaded Question with many possible answers…

I could tell you that I am afraid of snakes, and the dark and I don’t particularly like spiders, or devil movies… But that’s easy right? Lots of people are afraid of those same things, and for good reason. I could tell you I am afraid of evil people and what they may do, all the bad things that can happen in life… But that is no way to live. I choose not to live in fear of things that I cannot control. I do on occasion worry very much about all these awful possibilities and I have a very vivid imagination. But once again, these are things that everyone fears.

A unique fear that I have would be my fear of failure and my fear of success. For as long as I can remember I felt destined for some kind of greatness. As a young girl, I wanted to be famous. I wanted to walk the red carpet and have people scream my name and take my picture. As I get older, the thought of that is not as appealing as it once was. I enjoy my privacy, I like being able to go to the store and not be mobbed. But even if you take away the fame, I always loved to perform. I remember thinking in college if I could just earn a reasonable living being a performer, on stage or on camera being theatrical, I would be happy. I didn’t have to be a millionaire, I didn’t have to be famous, just comfortable, happy and loving my job.

So what are you doing to pursue that you ask? Well, therein lies my fear of failure/success. I have been told for some time now that Acting is ” a hard profession” I think that if no one ever told me that I would have been successful by now. I hold myself back with the fear of feeling not good enough. But by the same token, I look at some actresses nowadays and there is nothing they have that I don’t have. I could be just as talented as they are, and I should be just as successful. I have been told I have that “it” factor, but I make myself feel and believe that I am not good enough. I fear that what I can offer won’t be enough. But I also fear that if I achieve what I want, will it really be what I want, and if not, I’d need to figure something else out.

Wahh poor me, I feel 18, Like I have no idea what is happening in my life, and I am getting too old to be this lost…. Its scary

Day Sixteen: Something I Always Think “What If” About

It is really not my type of thing to think “What If”  You can drive yourself crazy thinking about all of life’s different possibilities. I like to live with no regrets, and no thinking that there is some better path that I should be on. I am where I am in life because of my choices and my circumstance, and I trust that whatever may be will be. There’s no need to think what if, it is basically pointless, because life isn’t a movie where you can see all your different scenarios, you get what you get, and that’s that. Don’t like something? Change it.

But… because of the blog, I guess I could apply my what ifs to, “What if I went to Law school” That makes me wonder if I would have liked it, if I would have done well and what I would be doing now. I could apply that really for any career choice I didn’t make. What if I took english as a major instead of Acting. What if I went to a more expensive school, and took more difficult courses. Would I have a career right now? Would I not have to worry about health insurance because I would have a real person job? Would I like what I was doing, or wonder what life would have been like if I studied acting. Would I always yearn for that stage like I do now, or would I have put that past me as a High School hobby and nothing more. Who knows maybe I would have been moved out of my parents house and been living on my own.

A big what if I could throw out there is what if I never got rheumatoid arthritis or cancer, where would I be in life now? That is hard to even imagine. I don’t remember the person I was before I got sick, and I have definitely been changed and effected. I am more compassionate and aware, and I have learned a lot about myself, the people around me and the world.

I don’t waste time with what ifs, simply because it does not matter. I am happy, I am pretty healthy, I have a hard life sometimes, but its the life I have created for myself, and if I know me, its only going to get better, so there’s no use in wondering what if, rather “What’s Next”

Day Fifteen: My Zodiac Sign and Do I Think it Fits My Personality

LEO 

The Fire sign in these people is enthusiastic, energetic, and optimistic. Representatives of signs are happy, lucky people. Fixed people are stable. They don’t like much change. Status quo suits them fine. They will stick to things and get them done.

People born in this period always aim to get above the common herd of humanity, and they themselves in turn are naturally attracted to strong personalities – in fact, they will forgive any fault in the people they like so long as they have individuality and purpose. They are usually generous, kind, and openhearted, they find it hard to believe ill of others. If injured, they strike back quickly, but they also forgive easily and never hold a grudge. The bright side of Leo is very bright indeed, “sunny side up” they are very much attuned to the life giving properties of our Sun itself. The typical Leo is flamboyant and generous with tremendous charm and a magnanimous spirit.

The Sun is the single most important planet, because it represents a LEO’s ego and individuality. It shows their ambitions and deepest character traits, where they have the ability to shine. 

Such people represent what might be termed the heartforce of humanity. They are overflowing with sympathy, and are generally generous to a fault. 

They are usually lucky in money matters, often having money given to them from unthought-of sources; but they crave love above all, and this is the one thing they seldom get.

Such people have the power to inspire others, and as leaders like Napoleon, born in this Sign. They have an ability to lead their men through fire or death.

People who were born in this period usually have an extremely independent spirit; they detest control or being dictated to. They have great tenacity of purpose and will power and if once they put their mind on some plan, purpose or position, they usually reach their goal in spite of every difficulty or obstacle. 

Though full of ambition and enthusiasm, Leo has to admit to a lazy streak and, given the opportunity, will take the easy way out, especially when a situation offers little fun or glory. This is something lazy, luxurious Leo needs to watch.

These people are usually very patient and long-suffering, but if once roused, they know no fear and do not even know when they meet defeat, or acknowledge it when they do.

As a rule, people born in this period feel isolated and lonely in life, and if not actively employed in some work or purpose they become melancholy and despondent.

 

I pretty much just copied the first thing description I found. I am a typical leo for sure. My favorite animal is the Lion, I painted my room gold, I love to be the center of attention. I have read better descriptions in the past, but I am a true leo.

Day Five: Things I want to say to an EX

Well Well Well, We meet again! Just kidding, I would never say that. OK Soooo there are A LOT of things that I may want to say to my EX. I thankfully may never get an opportunity to say them for a few reasons one because what I have to say is not very nice, and two it will change nothing and it will only make me feel like the bad person. But, for the sake of the blog, I will hash it out just a bit.

First, wherever I was whatever I was doing, the first thing I would want to say if I ran into the EX would be, “What the Fuck are you doing here?!” Real snotty like, in reality I would probably run the other way if I wasn’t seen or I would just politely smile and see if I could get away with not talking to him at all. But seeing as that may not be possible for this post, I shall continue on. I imagine we’d make some type of small talk and go our separate ways, but in my maddest times, here are the things I have always wanted to say:

You are the biggest fucking coward I have ever met in my whole entire life. What you did to me is unforgiveable. The amount of pain and suffering you put me through was the worst thing I have ever been through. You are a horrible person, and I hope that you know that. All of the good you did for me, and how “happy” we were was a sham. You’re a liar and a cheater and you are absolute scum. To think that anyone would ever give you their heart makes me cringe and worry for that person. I can’t believe you lied to me for so long, and made me believe that you cared about me. Part of me also wants to say thank you, because you were there for me in my time of need and even though it was all a lie, at the moment it was real, and a little part of me thinks that it kept me going for the time being. I would also say that I forgive you, I forgive you for the way you felt you needed to act and for what you felt you needed to do. I wish you well in your life, but I am so happy you are not in mine.

That was really hard to write because at this point I really have nothing to say to him, I have moved on, I have found love with someone new, someone who makes me forget I was ever hurt, makes me forget that I ever felt any pain and makes me feel so much more love and completeness than I thought was possible, and it makes the past pain melt away and it doesn’t matter at all anymore, and that is really beautiful. I wish I could go back in time and talk to past me, and just be like, “Girrrlllll, STOP cryinggg over this loser, in a few years you are going to have someone soooo amazing and perfect for you, this schmo aint gonna matter” But we can’t time travel, and all my pain made me who I am today, and even though it sucked going through it, I am grateful for the pain.

Like Carrie Underwood once sang,

 And every tear that had to fall from my eyes, Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night, Every change, life has thrown me, I’m thankful, for every break in my heart, I’m grateful, for every scar, Some pages turned, Some bridges burned, But there were lessons learned.

Coming up tomorrow: My views on mainstream music, you are not gonna want to miss that rant!

Day 1: Five ways to win my heart

Here is Day one of my blog challenge and I am saddled with the task of telling you five ways in which my heart can be won. It is a little difficult to think about and explain, but being that my heart has been won very recently, it is much easier for me.

A few months ago I might have grumpily said, “No one will win my heart, I have no heart” I felt for a very long time like an ice queen. I had no emotions towards romance and I thought for some time that I would always be alone because I did not feel I could ever connect with anyone after how badly I had been hurt. Now, I know you want all the gritty details, I have worked through most of it, and I am sure I have repressed a lot of feelings. Bottom line, I felt strongly for a person who broke my heart, and it was a BAD breakup, I think thats all the information we need to know right now, maybe down the line I’ll hash it out, middle school style. ANYWAYS, onwards and upwards, my heart has healed and re-opened for a lovely gentleman. Soo if I really had to think about it, these are the five ways to win my heart:

1. Be Funny. Now, I say funny, but it is a very specific particular type of funny. Anyone can “be funny” But to win my heart, you have to make me laugh. We have to understand and share the same sense of humor. Making me laugh will save you in any situation, because above all else, I am a goofball. We can be having the hugest fight, and if you make me smile or giggle, or even laugh, nothing else matters. 
2. Be attractive. I know what your thinking, how superficial is this chick?! Well, this is my list and thats how I feel. And by attractive, I mean, I must find you attractive. This is very obviously a necessary tool to win someone’s heart, they need to be drawn to you. A strong physical connection is very important if you catch my drift. I define attractive as such; manly, happy, clean, smells good, takes care of themselves and doesn’t act like an asshole. That is the kind of person I am drawn to, physically, tall dark and handsome for the win.
3. Be sweet. And by sweet I mean all of the above, attentive, loving, kind, generous, considerate, pleasant, nice. Sounds like a lot right.
4. Family and friend oriented. Have strong relationships with the people in your life, and care about them. That shows me that you can also care about me, and that you value relationships.
5. Be honest and open. Someone who I can talk to about anything will win my heart. Someone I am comfortable with, who allows me to be myself, and always feel like I can be myself, well thats the best thing ever.

So there it is, I know I kind of cheated, squeezing things into one group, and there is a lot more that goes into winning my heart. BUT someone has already won my heart, so it is not up for grabs.

30 Day Challenge

Ok, I want to liven up my blog a bit so I pulled a random blog challenge off the internet and I figured I would give it a whirl. In addition to trying to write in a blog every day for 30 days, I also hope to be 10-15 pounds lighter at the end of the 30 days as well, sooo lets see how that goes! haha… Soo here is what you have to look forward to for the next 30 days:

Lets see how it goes!

To Making it Count… We all need a Jack Dawson

While watching Titanic this morning I came to a realization: Everyone needs a “Jack Dawson” in their lives.

If for some terrible reason you have not seen Titanic I will give a brief summary. The story centers around Rose, a young woman engaged to be married to a wealthy, for lack of a better word, jerk. She is subconsciously unhappy, and when she comes to the realization that her life is not what she wants it to be, she wants to end it all by jumping off the back of the ship. Jack, a young vagabond comes to her aid and saves her from falling and convinces her she does not want to end her life. They become fast friends and he shows her all the things in life she has been missing out on. She realizes that he is exactly what she needs to be happy and decides to leave her fiance, mother and wealthy life for him. The ship sinks and Jack dies, but Rose is left with the memory of Jack and the life they could have had. She doesn’t even go back to her fiance even though she would have been set for life financially but, probably quite miserable.

Rose decided to make her life exactly what she wanted it to be. In pictures we see she did everything she talked with Jack about doing. Riding roller coasters, horseback riding, having children and living to be an old content lady. She had a truly adventurous and fulfilling life. She gave up all that she knew to go down a path, even though she was without Jack she still valued the journey she needed to take without all the privileges money afforded her in her other life.

So to my point, we all need a Jack Dawson in our lives, to show us what we have been missing and what we really want. It doesn’t have to be a person, it can be a movie, or a meaningful book, or even this blog, that snaps your mind into realizing that life can be this giant adventure, rather than a tedious droll. You can have whatever you want. You just need to identify what it is you really want, and put all your energy towards going for it.  You must also keep a positive attitude, and a relentless tenacity for finding out what you need in life to make yourself happy and live life to the fullest.

I also must mention that this was a man who came into her life and made her realize these things, I was hoping to get away with saying that you didn’t need anyone to make you happy, but sometimes it helps! It is such a wonderful love story, even though people hate on it. But it really is quite magical to think about. She met this guy who made her so happy, in like a matter of 2 days that she completely changed her entire life, gave up everything and was better for it. We need more men in the world like that. Unselfish, hardworking, free-spirited, smart, resourceful and able to admit their feelings. He loved her from the moment he met her and wasn’t afraid to admit it to her, and let her know that she needed a change in her life, even if it wasn’t with him. He gave up all he had for her. He let her sit on the floating door while he froze to death, I mean come on! In terms of story, maybe he had to die in order to make her change her life. Sometimes I think if he lived they would have been together, got on each others nerves and have been miserable anyway. But that is the cynic in me talking, they definitely would have lived happily ever after I mean serrrioussllyyy, Leo DiCaprio right?? Love is something that really enriches your life. And if you believe in love at first sight, like I do, it is a very beautiful thing. Maybe it only comes along once in a lifetime, but it comes along. I have been thinking about humans lately, and what makes us so complex, and what our purpose on the planet is. And maybe perhaps our purpose is to find our other half, our soul mate, who knows. alright now I am getting sappy, soo that’s it!

 How Romantic ❤

And if you haven’t seen Titanic yet, get on that!